Monday, November 16, 2009i don't really know why i'm writing here but since this is like the only form of diary or record of stuff no matter how dead or not that i keep and no one really reads it anyway. but there's one person i really hope reads this.
i just came back from NCO camp and it was quite fun and we learnt alot in general. changing parades, drills, games.. but that's not what i want to write about.
i know this may sound very childish or ridiculous or whatever but it's really what i feel, and since only three people will understand it (one being me, unless one of the other two has told someone else which i highly doubt) i'm going to be very frank.
you know when you threatened me maybe just to get me to shut up i was very very shocked. i seriously never thought you were that kind of person. firstly, what she was tying it the right way and i was simply trying to point that out to you. i know it seems very minor but couldn't you see that you already made her stressed enough and by imposing your way on tying it on her she gets even more stressed? to begin with hers is right. so why can't you just let her do it her way? i mean yours is correct too but why do you NEED her to tie it as you do when hers works as well?
and then, i simply tried to tell you what i just said above in a nice way. i mean after all you ARE a senior that's teaching us, you definitely know the stuff better than us and i wasn't really trying to challenge you. i always thought you were reasonable you know, and i thought you were the kind of senior who would truly listen when your junior has an opinion and admit it if you were wrong, that's why i even voiced out my thoughts to you. i honestly thought you would listen. but clearly i was very wrong. you know what you said was kinda like a huge slap for me. maybe you felt i was wrong and needed to wake up. well, i was really shocked. i mean you never ever struck me as the kind of senior who would say that kind of words. whether you yourself believe you meant it or not, i saw in your eyes that you really meant it. if it was almost any other senior that said it, whether they really meant it or not i probably would still have held my ground and persisted but in a way cause of your words i was seriously shaken and i backed off. because then i realised that hey, i really don't know you.
i can tell you frankly that i thought i knew you quite well for a junior and we were quite open with each other for a senior and junior. after about two years of interactions during cca trainings camps, and kayaking, i thought i understood roughly the kind of person you were. in a way i can also say that almost everyone in my batch had that same impression of you. we all thought you were one of the nicest seniors who is always there for us and would stand up for us. like when xxx was taking us for drills last time you were there sympathising and encouraging us. but you know? now i can't say i know you. cause i've discovered i really seriously don't.
maybe you think i am overreacting over a minor event but hey, i tell you from the bottom of my heart, those few words have successfully woken me up. i can safely tell you that i'll probably not forget this for quite awhile because honestly, no matter how cliched this sounds, your words struck deep. really deep.
i hope you'll get to read this here because i know that i'll probably never have the guts to tell you directly cause then it will create even further awkwardness between us which we will likely never ever get time to clear.
i really learnt alot from NCO camp whether good or bad but this is what impacted me the most. i learnt that sometimes you can't just say anything to anyone cause you'll never know when it'll have a negative effect on them.